No really, I'm up against the wall! I ain't nothing but a lost boi?

One plate and about six screws later I was starting the healing process. With all the constant swelling and therapy I was still off from work. No time for crying though, I've got to make the most of this "downtime" that was apparent to me as developing time. I received confirmation of this from the older lady running the cashier at the Wawa. I had once called her out as an old school lesbian and while I'm not sure if that was true, I did learn that she was a minister. She was convinced that I was injured in order to be still and encouraged I take advantage of the time to find my purpose. It was ironic considering my partner and I were having the topic as a constant in our conversations. For clarity, my partner is my unwed female mate (this is where I'm outting myself as a lesbian). We aren't unwed on purpose, we just decided on a contract in a neighboring state right before our home, Washington, DC supported marriage equality. In case you are wondering, yup, my gaydar is pretty strong too, hence my ability to call out people on the home team. Of course for accuracy I have to keep it calibrated. Anyway, enough of my pisces ways and back to the topic. Where am I supposed to go and develop? What am I supposed to be doing? Who should I be molding into now that I have be guided to a space for just me, my creator, and occasionally percocets. Wayne Dyer, Steven Covey, and Rhonda Byre all had visitor passes valid whenever I wasn't sleeping, moping, hoping on one foot and a crutch because two was too much, and dreading convos with my hundredth new case manager. That period was so stressful that it made me experience the thin of my relationship. It took 3 months to ditch the crutches and I partied for my birthday in a boot! Once the boot came off I found myself trying to walk but my limp was meaner than that of a pimp, so appropriately I had to use a cane. All of this and I was still lost but then suddenly came the opportunity to mend an old friendship. Looking for meaning and purpose in life I thought, this is right on time. Soon after communicating again I received a random call from that old friend asking me if I'd like to be in a video. O_o Jaxx (the nickname my friends call me but it's not some lesbo, I want to be a man kinda thing.), the video Vixen???

B. Steady, a local DC artist and friend of my old friend needed a "dominant" female for an upcoming video with her two woman group, The Lost Bois. It turned out I would have to participate in a scene that had to be girlfriend approved. Surprisingly, we both thought it would be a cool opportunity after viewing some of their previous videos. Of course my honey hit the set with me (just like Robin Thicke's wife), and B. and I were both nervous during our Parental Guidance rated scene. After such a cool shoot I hung out with B., her sister, and some of their friends. Our conversation led to my ankle and worker's compensation questions, of her sister when she mentioned being a lawyer. After my rant about how I landed the job and my rave about how I hated it, B. asked me, if I could do anything what would it be? I hesitated on the answer. I thought about how I feel like my creative side was suppressed when I was growing up. I took a film photography class in high school but my parents didn't really support me and my interests then. I stopped myself before I went into another rant about my youth as an unsupported scholar who fell into a depression after realizing the realness of my situation. My answer to her question was photography. She said well "just do it". Of course I had an excuse because it's easy to own when you're down. I told her that cameras were expensive and that I would have to wait until I could afford one. Remember, worker's compensation had not compensated me for six months on a new mortgage. Thank goodness for other resources and not letting my well run dry. Interrupting my sad face and complaints B. walked away from me and into her room. She returned in a matter of minutes with a black bag and a digital camera for loan. Boy, was that moment the push I needed toward my passion?!

The picture: Well the only visual picture I have to share for this post is one of me in Puerto Rico using my pimp cane with my swollen metal ankle against the background of a handicap symbol painted on the sidewalk. It wasn't as exciting as I made it sound so I won't show it. Instead, I will share my first appearance in a music video as a thanks to B. Steady. As for mental pictures, I will keep it simple. When you don't know what to do, do something. I took the video offer I didn't know it would lead to bigger things. It just seemed fun and artsy as well as a way to support a unique local barrier breaking artist. Be honest about what you'd rather be doing and hang around people and environments where it's going down (not bad going down but where things are happening). Be patient and make a plan to just do it! You may not find a resource like B. who just had a camera around but you  can still plan and continue to do things in the direction or realm of your passion even if you can't do exactly what you want to do. I had to sign up for a video (where I think I look cheesy scenes). I didn't even realize it was related to the art in my heart. Have people around you who won't let your temporary complaints be long-term excuses! The last pieces to this picture is always say thank you! Even if the person does not know the magnitude of their deed those two words placed in the correct order can take you and the other person really far. It's the least you can do. :-)



Here's the link if you need it: http://youtu.be/0rXNwJ4-6Dg